Thank you for ordering your Bro-ginner kit! This box contains everything you need to change from a skinny little nerd boy into a beer-drinking, cat-calling, business-majoring Bro! Included are three pairs of shorts that will hit you just above the knee and fit snugly around your crotch, but still somehow sag enough to require a belt. The shorts come in salmon, lime green, and navy with little embroidered anchors. The belt is included and it’s reversible – it can be brown or navy blue depending on which color boat shoes you’re wearing. Also included in your Bro-ginner kit are a pair of plastic off-brand Ray-bans with a strap on the back so you don’t lose them while you’re doing keg stands.
To complete your look, the Bro-ginner kit comes with a dull razor so you can get that not-quite-a-beard, not-quite-clean-shaven look just right. There’s also a three-pack of Axe Body Spray so everyone in a fifteen-foot radius will know you’re a sex god. In case anyone was doubting your animal magnetism, though, we’ve included a velcro wallet stuffed with Trojans.
We’ve also included two tickets to the Dave Matthews Band tour and a suspicious-looking cigarette that might be cloves and might be weed. The choice is yours. You’ll also find a voucher for a case of Natural Light redeemable at your closest Wal-Mart.
Sense of entitlement not included.