Day 34 – Write Instructions

Thank you for ordering your Bro-ginner kit! This box contains everything you need to change from a skinny little nerd boy into a beer-drinking, cat-calling, business-majoring Bro! Included are three pairs of shorts that will hit you just above the knee and fit snugly around your crotch, but still somehow sag enough to require a belt. The shorts come in salmon, lime green, and navy with little embroidered anchors. The belt is included and it’s reversible – it can be brown or navy blue depending on which color boat shoes you’re wearing. Also included in your Bro-ginner kit are a pair of plastic off-brand Ray-bans with a strap on the back so you don’t lose them while you’re doing keg stands.

To complete your look, the Bro-ginner kit comes with a dull razor so you can get that not-quite-a-beard, not-quite-clean-shaven look just right. There’s also a three-pack of Axe Body Spray so everyone in a fifteen-foot radius will know you’re a sex god. In case anyone was doubting your animal magnetism, though, we’ve included a velcro wallet stuffed with Trojans.

We’ve also included two tickets to the Dave Matthews Band tour and a suspicious-looking cigarette that might be cloves and might be weed. The choice is yours. You’ll also find a voucher for a case of Natural Light redeemable at your closest Wal-Mart.

Sense of entitlement not included.

Day 34 – Write Instructions

Day 33 – Write an Apology

Quick note to everyone reading this (whatup Aunty Lisa and Christina), I’m realizing it was overly ambitious of me to try and do this every day. I have a full time job, I’m going to be re-taking the GRE, I’m trying to get in shape, and my production of Twelfth Night is starting to get underway. All exciting things, but suddenly I’m trying to cram two days worth of stuff in every day. So I will write things here whenever I can and hopefully it will be often. But 365 consecutive days is just plain not going to happen.

Here’s a picture of what’s keeping me sane:

IMG_0563

-LJ

Day 33 – Write an Apology

Day 32 – Write About Goals

I just got back from seeing Aziz Ansari on his book tour. I’m pretty tired and can’t come up with anything clever to say. Seeing him and reading his book and books by people like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Mindy Kaling just really makes me wish I had the balls to get more into comedy. I might try to write a stand up set…we’ll see. If I do, you can expect to see a lot more jokes here.

Hopefully I’ll have something better tomorrow. For now I’m going to go to bed and dream about all the things I would do if I was famous.

Day 32 – Write About Goals

Day 31 – Write About a Hero

Growing Pains
by Laura Jewell

Characters:
Bruce – 35
Dick – 13

Lights up on the Batcave. BRUCE is in full Batman costume. DICK is wearing a t-shirt and cargo shorts.

BRUCE

Come along, Robin! The Bat-Signal is being shown! I’ll bet it’s that darned Joker again…

DICK

Yeah, Bruce, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to sit this one out.

BRUCE

Never fear, Robin! You are always safe by my side!

DICK

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m not scared. It’s just…I just got Mario Kart and I was thinking you, me, and Alfred could stay in tonight and play on the N-64.

BRUCE

But Robin, Gotham is in danger!

DICK

Is it, though? I mean, if Commissioner Gordon has time to light up the giant Bat-Spotlight, doesn’t he have time to mobilize a SWAT team and just snipe the Joker before he even does anything?

BRUCE

Robin, you and I have sworn to protect —

DICK

Okay, Bruce, my name is not actually Robin. It’s Dick. Well, it’s Richard. I’ve been thinking about giving Richie a try since Dick is…well, you know. Kind of embarrassing.

BRUCE

Robin, where is this coming from? I thought you wanted to avenge your parents and keep Gotham free of the corruption that led to their murders!

DICK

No, Bruce, that’s you. I’m obviously still really sad about my family, but I need a night off from revenge every now and then. And can we talk about the tights?

BRUCE

What’s wrong with your costume?

DICK

Well, it’s a costume, for one. Your uniform is pretty sweet, and like, scary. And you totally have nighttime camouflage. My cape is so yellow I think it might actually glow in the dark. It’s not super practical.

BRUCE

Okay, well, what would you like to wear?

DICK

Maybe some black teflon?

BRUCE

But, you’re Robin. The Boy Wonder.

DICK

Yeahhhh except my voice is changing, Bruce. I feel more like Robin the Giant Pimple these days. And the primary colors make me feel like a total dweeb.

BRUCE

Okay. Look, can we just answer this call? We can talk about your…uniform…when we get back.

DICK

Can I drive the Batmobile?

BRUCE

Absolutely not! You’re not even sixteen!

DICK

Uggghhhhh you never let me do anything cool!

BRUCE

Can you cut me some slack here, please, mister?

DICK

You know what? No. You’re not my dad! I hate you!

He stomps out. Bruce sighs and goes over to the Bat-Phone and dials.

BRUCE

Commissioner Gordon? It’s Bru–it’s the Batman. Yeah, I’m gonna need you to handle this one. [pause] Yeah, teenagers. [Pause] Thanks, Jim.

He hangs up and calls up the stairs.

All right, fine, but I get to be Yoshi!

Blackout.

Day 31 – Write About a Hero

Day 30 – Write About Art

How did I meet Val? Val and I are actually together because of a painting.

I mean, I don’t really know anything about art. I dated a girl once who was really into it, but I never really paid that close of attention. I know the names of the big ones, Mona Lisa, Starry Starry Night, the one with the screaming guy on a bridge. But it was just never my thing.

But then one day that girl dragged me to the Art Institute for like the fourteenth time in two months because she just had to see some exhibit about medieval armor or some shit. And something happened to me that has never happened before – a painting stopped me in my tracks. The girl I was with kept walking and talking to me, oblivious that I was rooted to the spot.

The piece was by Monet, and it was just part of a series called “Mornings on the Seine.” But for some reason this particular painting just grabbed me. It’s all soft colors, pinks and purples and light blues. Not the most masculine. Usually if I have to find something to look at I gravitate towards the gory stuff, but this painting of just water and mist drew me towards it. I know this is a weird thing to say, but looking at that painting was like looking at part of myself. Like a part of me looks just like that.

I was staring at the painting, transfixed, when the girl I was with (I want to say her name was Jessica?) finally caught up with me and wanted to know what I was doing. I couldn’t explain it. I just gestured at the painting, unable to say why I was standing there like an idiot drinking it in.

Jessica or whatever her name was rolled her eyes and tried to drag me off to see whatever exhibit she was there to see. I told her to go ahead and come find me here afterwards, that I wanted to stay with this painting.

And she didn’t understand. This person who was supposedly all about art didn’t understand what I was feeling and wasn’t interested. That’s when I knew it was over between us. And a good thing too, because I actually met Val just a few weeks after that. I knew I was going to marry her when she said she loved Monet.

Day 30 – Write About Art

Day 29 – Write About Dreams

I had picked a prompt to write about today – I was going to write a fictionalized account of what it feels like to see a truly arresting piece of art. I have a romantic idea for a short story in a museum.

However, I took a boxing class tonight and as I’m typing this my hands are shaking. I’m assuming it’s nothing to worry about, they’re just not used to punching things.

So, I will try to write my art story tomorrow, and tonight I will list some possible alter egos I could use when I inevitably become a super fighter and decide to clean up the streets of Chicago while wearing a mask.

Possibilities:

The Flying Squirrel – she glides from building to building!

The Mitochondria – she’s a tiny powerhouse!

Margarita Girl – she packs a punch!

Tinder Girl – she’ll take you out!

The Comet – she’s hot!

Okay, so, not my best showing. Feel free to leave comments with better suggestions for my superhero name! I’m going to eat some protein and take a shower.

Day 29 – Write About Dreams

Day 28 – Write a List

I’m single. Surprising, I know. It’s just really hard to find someone these days. I just want to meet a nice guy, you know? Just a normal, nice guy. A normal, nice guy with a decent job. Not an awesome corporate job or anything, just a decent one. With a salary. And benefits. And at least as many vacation days as I get so we could maybe take a trip together.

But I don’t really want to meet someone online. I know more and more people are doing that, but how cute would it be if I met someone in a bookstore? Oooh – or a coffee shop! Like in the movies, where you order the same drink and try to take the same cup and then your hands accidentally touch and sparks fly! That’s so much better than ‘we both swiped right.’

Yeah, you know, I just want to find a regular dude somewhere cool and interesting. A regular guy in his early-to-mid twenties with his own apartment. And paying rent is fine! I mean, it’s pretty cool when guys own their own places outright but it doesn’t really matter. He just needs an average, nice, clean, two-bedroom, open floor plan apartment with plenty of natural light. And central heating and air. With easy parking and public transit access.

Is that so much to ask for? And is it really so much to expect a guy to have at least one college degree, conversational knowledge of classic literature, a love of geek culture, and respect for my relationship with my cat?

Is it really so much to ask for a guy with their own car who is willing to drive me to and from all of our dates? My car is boring and I hate driving. He should just understand that.

And how difficult can it be to find a guy who has great social skills, can blend in with anyone, impress my parents, but also instinctively know which Hogwarts House he would be sorted into? It should go without saying that he can’t be a Hufflepuff. But any of the other three would be fine! Even Slytherins! At least they have distinctive character traits.

And how hard is it really for a guy to plan and execute all of our dates so that I don’t have to worry about it? I’m really busy.

Ugh. There are just no good guys anymore, I guess.

Day 28 – Write a List